


Monsters in the Twilight

by Slant



Category: Twilight Series - All Media Types
Genre: Existentialism, F/M, Gen, H̛̑ͯ̒e͓͆̔͊̾̌͌̍ ̝̦͍̝̞̾̍͗͌͐͆͢c̯̲͓̱ͣͪ́͐̋͛̕o̪̠̫̳̩̫̣ͣ̋ͧm̭̯̬̖̼̻͐͑e̙̫̯̰̜͚ͭͅs̋͂̑ͪ̒̈́͟!͍̳̪̬͉̟̫̐̾
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-27
Updated: 2014-01-27
Packaged: 2018-01-10 07:28:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 638
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1156798
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Slant/pseuds/Slant
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bella visits the Cullens. Come for the cosmic horror. Stay for the creeping feeling of dread that is nothing to do with the supernatural.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Monsters in the Twilight

In the absence of other information, I assumed that the lady by Dr. Cullen's side was Esme. S͝he ͠ w̴a͝s s͢l̢en̨d̛er͠,̡ y̨ęt c̛urv̶e͠d͘;̵ ͘H̸͏̶er ̴̛c̛l̢o̕t̀͘he͟s ͝ma͢tche̵͞d҉ ̸̧̀ ţ͜ḩe c̶͝o̧͟͞l̴͝ou̴̷r͘l̴͝e̛s̷s̨͞ ̵̧͠r̶o̧om͠.̧ ̴͢͟ S͏̀ḩ͘͝͏̸ȩ͘͜ ̧̨̧ ẃ̶̵͝͞a̕͡s̨ ͢͡ h̡̧u̵͏̵͜͜n͏̡ḑ̸̛͢͡e̵̶҉͢r̷̕a̷̢͞d͟͢s̨͠ ̸̢͢͞͠ ǫ̛͡͞f̴̧͜͠ ̡̨͟ y҉͜͟e͜͠a͢r̨̕͡s̡͢͟͞͠ ̸͏̨͡ o̡͞͝l̸̵̨͡d̴҉̕ k̩ṉ̞͈ͭ̊̈́̕ę̝̑̐̒ͤ̔̾w̧̻͙̲͇͈̓͆ͅ ̢̗̦̣̾͗ͅ t̤̊̈̐̌̓̃h̿͂̌̚͏̪e̤͖̲̺͔̟ ̪̗̹ͮ͂̈́͑͒͗ͫ̕ t̡͔̓a͚̯̳̝̐ͭ͂̃̈s͖̥͂ͬt͍̮̞̙̀e̘̲̤̬̹͐̊ ͑ͫͨͫ̽ͯͪ o̓f̘ ̲̞͔͚͗̉ͦͧͧ h͗ū͖̝͖͔͗̌ͅm̪̽͋a̷͗̿ͧ̏̀n̰̙̬ͪͨ̓̆́ ̢̹͎ͧ̄̎͆͌ b̥̅͂ͩ͛̽ͪl̨͖̜͖̟̲ͯ̏ͯõ̘̤̰̭̣̓̉͢o̡̙̟̲ͥ͗̑̏̂d̦͗,̡̌̃͐̃ a̸̷̹̣̩͓͒̿̒͆ͨ̿ͬ̚n̆҉̘̣͎͚͈̙̩͇d̷̑̑ͧ͑ͫ̈́҉͕̝ Ị̸̴̧̫͍̦͆ͫ̃̈̅̅͑̚ ̷̸̳̩͓̞̳̬̠͂̆͊͋̓̕͟͡t̷̨͉̜̘̪̗̄̃̉ͮ̈́ͧ̓͛̈̓̏͒͛̍ͬh̶̩̺̘͉̰̰̘͈͋͑̄ͯͭ́͟͜͟ő̢̧͉͍̺͚̬̹̪ͬ̑̀̎̋͂ͭ̍̏ͦ̇̏̉̿̐̐̒ͨ͜͜ų̸̴͔̪̟̉̾̎̓̿̋̈́ͮͨ͂̒̽͋͋͐̑g̸̨̟͎̙͍̪̘͎͍̲͇̖͛͂ͧ̾̂͜͠ͅh̸͔͓̪̟͈͖̠̝̻͓̣͆̈͆͊͑́̚̕͞͞ͅṫ̛̛̥̰̜̬͎̼̯̫̦͓̔̓ͦ̈̀̌̾̆̔̇ͬ ̨̧̘̲̦̳̞̟ͫͯ͑͐̓̔̔ͪ̑͊͒̔ s̨͗͐̈͌͞҉̡̬̭̘̮̘̼̱̗̮͕̤̭͈̭͕̼͞ͅḥ̸͚͍̻̰̞̠̥͎̲̮̲͓͍̉̓ͮ͐̔̐ͤ̇̐̈́ͪͧ̆ͯ̆̒̾̾ͤ̀͝e̸̴̛̯͇̖̳̳͔ͧ̇̎̋̋͛͂͂͆ͣ͌ͅ ̸̢͔̫̤̞̟̗̣̭̼͍͈̥̻̰̜̹́̏̋͐͒̌͜͞ w̷̢̡̫̝̲̗̝ͧ̓̃͋͐̾ͯͮ̉ͪ̆ͨͨ̍ͬ̍́͡ā̡̄̎̿ͭ͑̉̒ͤͩ҉̧̭̭͇̭̺̠̦͕̹̀͜s̡̧͍̫̖̮̿́̄͡ͅ ̲̻̗̣̣̗̜̘̝̮̝ͨ̂̃̐͛ͮͭ̈͢͡ i̸̥̠͔̱͇̪̝͒̀̏̃̕͘ṇ̡̘̯̺̦̣̗̯̝͔̝ͬͫ͛̋̈̒ͮͮͤ̌ͧ̆̑̀͘͝n̪̦̖̩̠̱̼̩̬͇̩ͩ̑̅ͪͬ͌͘o͑ͧ̽̅͏̱͍̟̞̙̪̼͘͜c̵̢̪̳̗̗͉̫̱ͥ̿̌̊̏̎̀͐ͬ̔͆͛͂ͦ͂̀͜͞͠ē̵̛̱͖͇͓͚̣̬̗̫̬̮̩͚͂ͩ͑͂́͗̅ͪ̇̈́̒ͧ͛̇ͪ̀͠ͅͅn̢̛̤̪̘͓̱͊̇͌ͣ̇̅̾ͧ̏̇ͤ͘t̸̨̃͊ͪ͗͂̒̉ͮ̌̚͏̮͖̤̲̠͙̻̻̝̬͕̝ ̷̛͉͕͉͈̥̒̊ͪͦ́̒ͣ͋̽͒̀̔̓̆ a̸̴̴̷̵͓̺̲̘̤ͥͨ̅̅̈r̴̃ͣ͒̌͂̄͘͞҉̘͍̜͈̜̲̥͉̲̞̖̲̱̝͘ͅè̳̦͖̲̞̞͍̻͍͕̰̺̣̠̠ͫ̈́̄͛͒̈́̃ͣ̋̅͑̑̚͘͞ ̢̙͓͍̦͙̺̲̯̼̩̗̥̤̄̃ͯ͋͡v̆̋̑ͪ͐̉͂̽͌ͯͦ̌͒̔̎҉̹̘͖̻̖͎͜͠͝͡i̧̧̽ͨͦ̓̊ͨ̈ͪͬ̃ͭ͏̣̺͚̞̖͖̹̩̠̩̤̤͓̝͚g̨̽́̇ͭ̅̊͌̔̓͊҉͙͉͍̼̻̻̝į̸̢̺̥͈͔͕̗͚̗̲̘̬͎̲̻̣̝̅͗̔̇͗̄ͧ̇ͤͥͯ̊̓ͧ̿̿̅͠n̶̢̘̯̳͛ͥͮ͂̍͗̉ͥͨ͗̊̔ͮ̉̀͠ą̵̨͚͖̥͓͍͉̤̤͉͓̘͇̬͓̮̝̻͎̍̔̀̋̅͌̍́̏͛̆̇̔ͦ͒̃͑̀l̶̡͉̤̫̞̩͍̖̠̙̪̠͎͙͔̜͔̏̽ͬ͆ͦ̿̐ͦ.̶̢̟̺̣̳̮̩͉̱͛̄̃ͬͦ̓̒̀́ Alice bounced into the room with a cheerful "Hey!" for her brother and bounded across to cover my eyes.  
"Honestly, you know that Esme is not for mortals to look at." She scolded them gently, "I thought you said you liked her?"  
I looked at her palms. As my vision is perfect, I couldn't focus on them, but Alice's cheerful protective friendliness was a great comfort and I managed to ask.  
"What just happened?" without feeling like a complete fool.  
"Esme is a being of primordial dread. Whatever you remember is a lie that you tell yourself because you can not bear to know what you saw. Technically she is "Esmars Estra Elosnor", one of "Those which the Elder Races shun by reason of their nature"*.

That didn't sound very likely. Then Jasper came in, and I was completely okay with it. In fact, I wasn't afraid of anything, for perhaps the first time since I stopped being a child. The division between childhood and what I am now is a meaningless distinction, but i remember the moment clearly. 

It was six months after the divorce. It is ... important to me that you do not blame my parents for this realisation so I will say that I had mourned, found acceptance and moved on. I was in my room, reading Austin, spending time with Lizzy and Jane as they negotiated the contracts that would define the rest of their lives. Through Lizzy, I saw Mr Bennet live out an existence that held no joy for him. That was the moment that I realised that I was a brief creature of dust and water living in a universe devoid of purpose. Why should I strive? I never found an answer. My life plan is to make meaningless gestures to the incurious stars until I am no longer able to. What I'm saying is, I never had a satisfactory answer to the problem of suicide, and Jasper had absentmindedly taken away my fear of pain and dying. My existential dread was not really an emotional issue, so much as an undeniable gnawing absence, so it stayed.

I had a problem on my hands.  
A baseline human sits in a room surrounded by mindreading, prophetic, emotion-controlling superstrong predators with hyper reflexes and no pity. How does she end her fatuous existence?

I will not be allowed to so do, as Rosalie had not been allowed to. Dr. Cullan had decided that she was a fit mate for Edward, and death had been no escape for her.  
Grotesque as human lives are, flawed and empty, filled with grace or ugliness or tedium and dragging despair, they are at worst, not endless. Painful and squalid as my life sometimes was, it would end, and its few short years could be filled with some banal and fearful routine. I saw, in that thing of eternally disregarded feminine labour which the Cullans cloaked under the name "Esme", my future, or at least, _a_ future. An eternity of matching colour swatches, of endless striving after good taste, of homemaking over geological eras. Scrapbooking that needed a library. The jam making would last forever. With Dr. Cullan and Jaspar around, I would find no escape in death or madness. 

* This is a generous mistranslation; a more pitilessly accurate linguist would have said "Those which the Elder Races don't let into their country clubs because they're too middle-class."

**Author's Note:**

> All of the bizzare oxymoronic things that Bella thinks about Esme which I have taken to be indicative of her mind breaking down in the presence of the the indiscrible are of course, taken from the text. [Alice "stops with graceful abruptness", in the next paragraph too.]
> 
> Inspired by Ana Mardoll's deconstructions.


End file.
